Therapy and counseling are often covered to some degree by health insurance. Some clinics and practice groups use a sliding fee scale for low-income clients. Providers of emotional health services are especially careful about client confidentiality. And although therapy may take a long time, those who have spent the time and worked to heal and free themselves from the burdens and sorrows they have experienced almost always feel the journey was worth the sacrifice.
Don't exceed your own abilities. Listening is more important than any advice you could give, especially because there is incorrect conventional wisdom about almost every aspect of abuse. The media sometimes show incorrect portrayals of ways to help others. For example, you may believe from reading the previous article that your friend should seek healing through forgiveness. But not all injured people are ready to take the steps outlined in the article, and you are probably not the best person to see your friend through that process. You may have overcome difficulties by spiritual or intellectual means, by regular physical exercise or a popular herbal remedy. Even if your life's experience had somehow been exactly identical to your friend's victimization, you undoubtedly have a different spiritual, intellectual, and physical make-up than your friend. The treatments that have worked for your problems cannot be transferred through friendly advice to someone injured by abuse. He or she is likely to believe you don't understand how painful and burdensome the victimization was and still is.
You may help best by encouraging the victim to find professional help, expressing your sorrow about and belief in the victim's story, and being available, within reason, if the victim needs a listener. One thing you can do is monitor the victim's moods and perspectives. Often, at the time of a major life transition, such as marriage, birth of a baby, a child leaving home, the death of a loved one, or a job change, a victim's perspective on the past abuse will change, for good or ill. Victims are at risk for depression, and a life transition could trigger a depressive episode. Without professional help, depression can lead to suicide, and your listening skills may alert you that your friend is depressed, or that he or she is becoming more depressed.
If your friend talks about suicide (don't be afraid to ask), has a plan and can easily get the means to carry it out, or expresses thoughts such as, "The world (my family, my children) would be better off without me," "If I were in heaven then I'd be healed," or "I prefer oblivion to dealing with this pain," you are faced with a medical emergency. If you know the name of your friend's professional helper, you can call and say or leave a message that you are concerned that your friend is depressed or contemplating suicide. Even better, you may be able to convince your friend to make that call and arrange to get help soon. Most counselors make arrangements to see clients right away in emergencies, and can also refer clients to psychiatrists, who can prescribe anti-depressant or other medication if it is needed. Meanwhile, the victim who seems suicidal should be in close contact with his or her therapist and if possible, with you and a circle of family and friends, who may only know that the victim especially needs friends and attention right now.
Don't lie. If you want to continue to help the victim, never lie. You risk losing the victim's trust. So, for example, if the victim asks if you've arranged for him or her to be monitored almost around the clock, as described above, answer yes and tell the victim what you told those people about why they should be in contact. You should also mention that you've arranged all this attention because you care so much about the victim. (Of course, if the victim actually needs to be monitored 24/7 lest he or she commit suicide, then the victim should be under suicide watch in a hospital.) Similarly, if some aspect of the victim's story seems unbelievable to you, admit that you find it difficult to believe and why-not because you think the victim is lying, but because you can't imagine that someone would victimize a child in that way, or whatever your reason is. Share your sorrow, if you feel it.
Keep the victim's confidence, unless it's an emergency. If you call the victim's professional counselor, as described above, you are breaking confidence with your friend. That's why you would only do such a thing if the situation were, or could soon become, a matter of danger to the victim or someone else. You should not divulge what the injured person has told you without permission, even if he or she doesn't ask you not to share what you know. Such personal, painful stories deserve our respect and confidence. If you discover that you need to discuss what the victim has told you with someone else for a good reason (because it's disturbing you so much, for example), ask for permission. The person who confided in you understands the need to talk to someone.
Help the victim have hope. The victim needs to know that his or her victimization was not normal-that most people don't have those experiences and that the victim is not doomed to repeat his or her own victimization, but can be helped and healed. You may be astonished that the victim needs reassurance that the offender's actions were wrong and abnormal, but that is precisely what the victim needs to know.
Your friend also needs to know that he or she can make choices about life. Be careful to step back and let your friend be independent in healthy ways. Everything your friend chooses-to seek professional help, to change an unhealthy situation, to make other healthy choices-helps your friend be stronger. You can give the victim courage and hope. If your own family is a good example, you may want to invite the victim to see, in the natural course of things, interactions in your family. Carefully chosen literature-even children's and young adult books-and movies can provide examples of families and friends who behave in appropriate, loving ways. Say it out loud: "This is normal. This is the way it's supposed to be. You can become a person as good as, or even better, than that."-Name Withheld
Don't exceed your own abilities. Listening is more important than any advice you could give, especially because there is incorrect conventional wisdom about almost every aspect of abuse. The media sometimes show incorrect portrayals of ways to help others. For example, you may believe from reading the previous article that your friend should seek healing through forgiveness. But not all injured people are ready to take the steps outlined in the article, and you are probably not the best person to see your friend through that process. You may have overcome difficulties by spiritual or intellectual means, by regular physical exercise or a popular herbal remedy. Even if your life's experience had somehow been exactly identical to your friend's victimization, you undoubtedly have a different spiritual, intellectual, and physical make-up than your friend. The treatments that have worked for your problems cannot be transferred through friendly advice to someone injured by abuse. He or she is likely to believe you don't understand how painful and burdensome the victimization was and still is.
You may help best by encouraging the victim to find professional help, expressing your sorrow about and belief in the victim's story, and being available, within reason, if the victim needs a listener. One thing you can do is monitor the victim's moods and perspectives. Often, at the time of a major life transition, such as marriage, birth of a baby, a child leaving home, the death of a loved one, or a job change, a victim's perspective on the past abuse will change, for good or ill. Victims are at risk for depression, and a life transition could trigger a depressive episode. Without professional help, depression can lead to suicide, and your listening skills may alert you that your friend is depressed, or that he or she is becoming more depressed.
If your friend talks about suicide (don't be afraid to ask), has a plan and can easily get the means to carry it out, or expresses thoughts such as, "The world (my family, my children) would be better off without me," "If I were in heaven then I'd be healed," or "I prefer oblivion to dealing with this pain," you are faced with a medical emergency. If you know the name of your friend's professional helper, you can call and say or leave a message that you are concerned that your friend is depressed or contemplating suicide. Even better, you may be able to convince your friend to make that call and arrange to get help soon. Most counselors make arrangements to see clients right away in emergencies, and can also refer clients to psychiatrists, who can prescribe anti-depressant or other medication if it is needed. Meanwhile, the victim who seems suicidal should be in close contact with his or her therapist and if possible, with you and a circle of family and friends, who may only know that the victim especially needs friends and attention right now.
Don't lie. If you want to continue to help the victim, never lie. You risk losing the victim's trust. So, for example, if the victim asks if you've arranged for him or her to be monitored almost around the clock, as described above, answer yes and tell the victim what you told those people about why they should be in contact. You should also mention that you've arranged all this attention because you care so much about the victim. (Of course, if the victim actually needs to be monitored 24/7 lest he or she commit suicide, then the victim should be under suicide watch in a hospital.) Similarly, if some aspect of the victim's story seems unbelievable to you, admit that you find it difficult to believe and why-not because you think the victim is lying, but because you can't imagine that someone would victimize a child in that way, or whatever your reason is. Share your sorrow, if you feel it.
Keep the victim's confidence, unless it's an emergency. If you call the victim's professional counselor, as described above, you are breaking confidence with your friend. That's why you would only do such a thing if the situation were, or could soon become, a matter of danger to the victim or someone else. You should not divulge what the injured person has told you without permission, even if he or she doesn't ask you not to share what you know. Such personal, painful stories deserve our respect and confidence. If you discover that you need to discuss what the victim has told you with someone else for a good reason (because it's disturbing you so much, for example), ask for permission. The person who confided in you understands the need to talk to someone.
Help the victim have hope. The victim needs to know that his or her victimization was not normal-that most people don't have those experiences and that the victim is not doomed to repeat his or her own victimization, but can be helped and healed. You may be astonished that the victim needs reassurance that the offender's actions were wrong and abnormal, but that is precisely what the victim needs to know.
Your friend also needs to know that he or she can make choices about life. Be careful to step back and let your friend be independent in healthy ways. Everything your friend chooses-to seek professional help, to change an unhealthy situation, to make other healthy choices-helps your friend be stronger. You can give the victim courage and hope. If your own family is a good example, you may want to invite the victim to see, in the natural course of things, interactions in your family. Carefully chosen literature-even children's and young adult books-and movies can provide examples of families and friends who behave in appropriate, loving ways. Say it out loud: "This is normal. This is the way it's supposed to be. You can become a person as good as, or even better, than that."-Name Withheld
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