Flanigan explained forgiveness in the context of an interpersonal transaction in which a moral law is violated. She defined moral law as "the voluntary agreement that sets the mutually defined limits of fairness between two people."4 When there is a breach of those mutually defined limits, injury results. If the injury is acknowledged and the offender repents, forgiveness is a natural response, even though it may still take time and be a painful process. When the injury is not acknowledged and the offender does not repent, forgiveness is still essential in the healing process. In fact, if there is no repentance by the offender, forgiveness may be even more important to the injured person, because he or she must take the initiative to become free from the pain rather than wait for the offender to repent. But when there is no repentance, forgiveness may not be a natural response.
Forgiveness: A Process
If repentance is a natural part of the forgiveness process, but the offender cannot or will not repent, then it would not be right for the offended person to be denied the benefits of forgiveness by the ignorance or refusal of the offender. The injured person may still gain the benefits of forgiveness through his or her own actions by taking steps that allow him or her to move forward. The injured person does not in any way feel guilt or accept responsibility for the injury suffered through the acts of the offender. Nor is the injured person asked to minimize or trivialize the pain suffered at the hands of an offender. The injured person does not excuse the offender from repenting-no human being has the authority to excuse another from repenting. When the injured person takes steps to heal, it may not affect the offender in any way, but it can be a part of the victim's recovery and survival. The offended person could consider the following actions.
Name the offense and recognize the injury. The offended person can name the offense and recognize the injury. Flanigan explained that to name the offense, the injured person must ask questions such as "What were the moral rules that were broken, and how did the betraying event break those rules?" "What is the meaning of the injury, and what are its consequences?" (e.g., "How am I more vulnerable? How has my belief system changed?") Flanigan went on to explain that claiming or recognizing the injury is a process of exploring and owning. ("What specific losses have I sustained?" Or, "What gifts have I received because of the injury-how am I stronger or different because of the injury?")5
Experience healing sorrow. In our compassion, we are tempted to spare the injured person from further sorrow. Certainly the injured may not wish to experience additional sorrow. It is appropriate, even desirable, for the offender to feel sorrow for the
offense, but the injured person, we would agree, has experienced enough pain by being injured. Nevertheless, sorrow is part of the healing process for the injured. For many injured people, sorrow has been averted or camouflaged by anger, and in giving up that anger, one has to be willing to feel the sorrow that precipitated it.6 Sorrow is a natural response to loss and will come naturally as the injured person is able to name the offense and explore and claim the injury. Religious leaders (and even therapists) may try to expedite the healing process by jumping from identifying the injury directly to forgiving the offender-skipping the stage of sorrow. Sorrow is uncomfortable for others to watch, and for some, it may look too much like wallowing in misery. Wallowing usually means the offended person is stuck in the grieving process. Whining associated with wallowing may be a subconscious plea for help in appropriately identifying the losses and experiencing the grieving process in its entirety. Sorrow, as part of grieving, is a necessary acknowledgment of the losses experienced in connection with the offense. The expression of sorrow may lead to a sense of restored wholeness and new perspective.
Break the silence. The injured person can benefit from disclosing the offense in detail to a confidante, therapist, or legal authority. Through disclosure, the injured person assigns responsibility, because recognizing the person responsible for the offense is prerequisite to forgiving. In order to heal and forgive, the injured person must recognize that something was wrong and someone else was at fault. Once the silence is broken and responsibility is established, the process of forgiving can proceed.
Prevent the offense from happening again. The injured person must do everything possible to prevent the offense from happening to the injured again. Although the injured may not be able to prevent an offender from re-offending, he or she can take protective measures against future injuries. At this stage, the injured person takes responsibility for his or her own protection. That protection may include avoiding or refusing to associate with the offender, which does not mean the injured person has not really forgiven the offender. Forgiveness does not require anyone to act as though the injury never happened, nor does it require the offended person to have feelings of love or trust toward the offender. The challenge is for the offended person to become strong and learn when to seek help without becoming hardened or cynical.
Restore lost order. The injured person may think of restoring lost order as "balancing the scales."7 Uneven scales are balanced either by subtracting something from the heavier side or adding something to the lighter side. Likewise, balance is restored either by the offender taking responsibility and accepting the consequences of his or her actions, or by loading resources to the depleted reserves of the offended person. The injured person cannot impose consequences on the offender, just as the injured person cannot repent for the offender. The injured's attempts to impose consequences on the offender are often destructive or counter-productive. For example, a wife may withhold affection as an attempt to punish an abusive husband, but the husband may not make the connection between the wife's lack of affection and his own abusive behavior. Or an injured person may mete out punishment by becoming an abuser and injuring others. Appropriate punishment, even if it could be defined, may not be within the power of the injured person.
More important than punishment is the power of the injured person to balance the scales by loading resources to depleted reserves. The injured can draw strength through support from a variety of resources (such as therapy, support groups, or informal support systems). By providing support to others who have suffered similar losses, injured individuals can also strengthen themselves, and become survivors rather than victims.
Forgiveness: Reclaiming Power by Owning Responsibility
The process described above is designed to empower the injured. It provides a way in which they may prepare to forgive, even though the offender has not repented. An appropriate question for an injured person is "How would you be different if your offender repented?"
Many injured people spend so much energy on revenge or validation, continually seeking assurance that the offense was real and he or she has the right to feel injured, that their lives are put on hold while they wait (and wait and wait) for justice. When one has spent so much energy seeking justice, it is hard to imagine a different life-a future free of the injury. One woman, who spent decades stuck in the groove of anger and bitterness, responded to this vision of freedom by saying, "If my offender truly repented, and I could forget about this terrible injury, I think I would be spending more time with my own children instead of mourning my own lost childhood." Another said, "I would be in school preparing for a meaningful career." Another responded, "I would be thinner!" The injured often struggle with the vision of repentance and forgiveness because their "victim lifestyle" is accomplishing something for them, and change is frightening. Once the vision is realized, and injured people see themselves as whole, free, and in control, it then becomes apparent that being free and in control means being responsible.
However, new responsibility is often confusing ("Am I free from . . . or free to . . .?"). It is easy for injured people to talk about what they don't want but often hard to talk about what they do want. When the injured envision themselves as educated, or slender
, or having a satisfying career, or happily married, or fulfilling any other dream, it becomes clear who is in charge of making that dream come true.
The Joy of Forgiveness
When one has been deeply wounded, there is no way to forgive genuinely without experiencing a great deal of personal growth. The following statements, by wounded persons who were able to forgive, are manifestations of growth and insight.
I know that I cannot prevent harm from coming my way. It is the rare person who escapes being injured by a person she loves. I will remove myself from harm's was when I can, but in the future I will know that injuries happen to everyone. Some of them I will be able to control. Some I will not. Knowing this, I am free. Forgiving will never again be so difficult.8
It is essential to not excuse. You can forgive, but you must not excuse. Excusing means you believe there is some logical reason a person behaves the way he behaves. In cases like incest or beating, there is no logical reason. So excusing is dangerous. If we have free will, we are responsible for ourselves. Granted, things may affect our judgment, but it is our judgment.9
You know, I've lost everything. It's all been ripped off. I understand it, though; nothing is worth the hating.10
I decided I'm not the teacher or the judge of who's a failure or who isn't. I'm not the scorekeeper. Everyone makes mistakes. So I think I must forgive.11
After interviewing many victims of intimate wounds, Flanigan learned that those who were successful at forgiving became stronger and better able to take care of themselves. They made different choices about the people they let into their lives, but they didn't stop being vulnerable. Instead, they accepted pain as a part of life and developed a new philosophy about people.
Conclusion
Perhaps the value of forgiveness is often misunderstood because we underestimate how difficult it is to forgive genuinely, in a way that strengthens and brings enriched meaning to life. Injured people who embark on the journey of forgiveness must be willing to be patient and take the time necessary to complete the process in a meaningful way. They should also be willing to ask for help. In cases of serious injury, it may be impossible to complete the process alone. But it is important to remember that the pain of the injury, however excruciating, and the struggle of forgiveness, however long and difficult, will be eclipsed by the joy of meaningful forgiveness. The journey is worth it.
Forgiveness: A Process
If repentance is a natural part of the forgiveness process, but the offender cannot or will not repent, then it would not be right for the offended person to be denied the benefits of forgiveness by the ignorance or refusal of the offender. The injured person may still gain the benefits of forgiveness through his or her own actions by taking steps that allow him or her to move forward. The injured person does not in any way feel guilt or accept responsibility for the injury suffered through the acts of the offender. Nor is the injured person asked to minimize or trivialize the pain suffered at the hands of an offender. The injured person does not excuse the offender from repenting-no human being has the authority to excuse another from repenting. When the injured person takes steps to heal, it may not affect the offender in any way, but it can be a part of the victim's recovery and survival. The offended person could consider the following actions.
Name the offense and recognize the injury. The offended person can name the offense and recognize the injury. Flanigan explained that to name the offense, the injured person must ask questions such as "What were the moral rules that were broken, and how did the betraying event break those rules?" "What is the meaning of the injury, and what are its consequences?" (e.g., "How am I more vulnerable? How has my belief system changed?") Flanigan went on to explain that claiming or recognizing the injury is a process of exploring and owning. ("What specific losses have I sustained?" Or, "What gifts have I received because of the injury-how am I stronger or different because of the injury?")5
Experience healing sorrow. In our compassion, we are tempted to spare the injured person from further sorrow. Certainly the injured may not wish to experience additional sorrow. It is appropriate, even desirable, for the offender to feel sorrow for the
offense, but the injured person, we would agree, has experienced enough pain by being injured. Nevertheless, sorrow is part of the healing process for the injured. For many injured people, sorrow has been averted or camouflaged by anger, and in giving up that anger, one has to be willing to feel the sorrow that precipitated it.6 Sorrow is a natural response to loss and will come naturally as the injured person is able to name the offense and explore and claim the injury. Religious leaders (and even therapists) may try to expedite the healing process by jumping from identifying the injury directly to forgiving the offender-skipping the stage of sorrow. Sorrow is uncomfortable for others to watch, and for some, it may look too much like wallowing in misery. Wallowing usually means the offended person is stuck in the grieving process. Whining associated with wallowing may be a subconscious plea for help in appropriately identifying the losses and experiencing the grieving process in its entirety. Sorrow, as part of grieving, is a necessary acknowledgment of the losses experienced in connection with the offense. The expression of sorrow may lead to a sense of restored wholeness and new perspective.Break the silence. The injured person can benefit from disclosing the offense in detail to a confidante, therapist, or legal authority. Through disclosure, the injured person assigns responsibility, because recognizing the person responsible for the offense is prerequisite to forgiving. In order to heal and forgive, the injured person must recognize that something was wrong and someone else was at fault. Once the silence is broken and responsibility is established, the process of forgiving can proceed.
Prevent the offense from happening again. The injured person must do everything possible to prevent the offense from happening to the injured again. Although the injured may not be able to prevent an offender from re-offending, he or she can take protective measures against future injuries. At this stage, the injured person takes responsibility for his or her own protection. That protection may include avoiding or refusing to associate with the offender, which does not mean the injured person has not really forgiven the offender. Forgiveness does not require anyone to act as though the injury never happened, nor does it require the offended person to have feelings of love or trust toward the offender. The challenge is for the offended person to become strong and learn when to seek help without becoming hardened or cynical.
Restore lost order. The injured person may think of restoring lost order as "balancing the scales."7 Uneven scales are balanced either by subtracting something from the heavier side or adding something to the lighter side. Likewise, balance is restored either by the offender taking responsibility and accepting the consequences of his or her actions, or by loading resources to the depleted reserves of the offended person. The injured person cannot impose consequences on the offender, just as the injured person cannot repent for the offender. The injured's attempts to impose consequences on the offender are often destructive or counter-productive. For example, a wife may withhold affection as an attempt to punish an abusive husband, but the husband may not make the connection between the wife's lack of affection and his own abusive behavior. Or an injured person may mete out punishment by becoming an abuser and injuring others. Appropriate punishment, even if it could be defined, may not be within the power of the injured person.
More important than punishment is the power of the injured person to balance the scales by loading resources to depleted reserves. The injured can draw strength through support from a variety of resources (such as therapy, support groups, or informal support systems). By providing support to others who have suffered similar losses, injured individuals can also strengthen themselves, and become survivors rather than victims.
Forgiveness: Reclaiming Power by Owning Responsibility
The process described above is designed to empower the injured. It provides a way in which they may prepare to forgive, even though the offender has not repented. An appropriate question for an injured person is "How would you be different if your offender repented?"
Many injured people spend so much energy on revenge or validation, continually seeking assurance that the offense was real and he or she has the right to feel injured, that their lives are put on hold while they wait (and wait and wait) for justice. When one has spent so much energy seeking justice, it is hard to imagine a different life-a future free of the injury. One woman, who spent decades stuck in the groove of anger and bitterness, responded to this vision of freedom by saying, "If my offender truly repented, and I could forget about this terrible injury, I think I would be spending more time with my own children instead of mourning my own lost childhood." Another said, "I would be in school preparing for a meaningful career." Another responded, "I would be thinner!" The injured often struggle with the vision of repentance and forgiveness because their "victim lifestyle" is accomplishing something for them, and change is frightening. Once the vision is realized, and injured people see themselves as whole, free, and in control, it then becomes apparent that being free and in control means being responsible.
However, new responsibility is often confusing ("Am I free from . . . or free to . . .?"). It is easy for injured people to talk about what they don't want but often hard to talk about what they do want. When the injured envision themselves as educated, or slender
, or having a satisfying career, or happily married, or fulfilling any other dream, it becomes clear who is in charge of making that dream come true.The Joy of Forgiveness
When one has been deeply wounded, there is no way to forgive genuinely without experiencing a great deal of personal growth. The following statements, by wounded persons who were able to forgive, are manifestations of growth and insight.
I know that I cannot prevent harm from coming my way. It is the rare person who escapes being injured by a person she loves. I will remove myself from harm's was when I can, but in the future I will know that injuries happen to everyone. Some of them I will be able to control. Some I will not. Knowing this, I am free. Forgiving will never again be so difficult.8
It is essential to not excuse. You can forgive, but you must not excuse. Excusing means you believe there is some logical reason a person behaves the way he behaves. In cases like incest or beating, there is no logical reason. So excusing is dangerous. If we have free will, we are responsible for ourselves. Granted, things may affect our judgment, but it is our judgment.9
You know, I've lost everything. It's all been ripped off. I understand it, though; nothing is worth the hating.10
I decided I'm not the teacher or the judge of who's a failure or who isn't. I'm not the scorekeeper. Everyone makes mistakes. So I think I must forgive.11
After interviewing many victims of intimate wounds, Flanigan learned that those who were successful at forgiving became stronger and better able to take care of themselves. They made different choices about the people they let into their lives, but they didn't stop being vulnerable. Instead, they accepted pain as a part of life and developed a new philosophy about people.
Conclusion
Perhaps the value of forgiveness is often misunderstood because we underestimate how difficult it is to forgive genuinely, in a way that strengthens and brings enriched meaning to life. Injured people who embark on the journey of forgiveness must be willing to be patient and take the time necessary to complete the process in a meaningful way. They should also be willing to ask for help. In cases of serious injury, it may be impossible to complete the process alone. But it is important to remember that the pain of the injury, however excruciating, and the struggle of forgiveness, however long and difficult, will be eclipsed by the joy of meaningful forgiveness. The journey is worth it.
No comments:
Post a Comment