We sometimes learn, to our sorrow, that a family member or friend was abused or victimized at some time in the past. That person may be trying to heal, with or without professional help. We may want to help, but may not know what to say-sometimes we're afraid that anything we do will make the situation worse. Because I was once a victim of abuse and now consider myself a survivor, I'd like to share some things that are helpful and some things you may want to avoid in trying to love and support a person who has told you of past abuse.
First, however, there are people who are still suffering abuse-including children who may tell you or show signs that they are being abused. These people need immediate help. All states have mandatory reporting requirements for adults who suspect child abuse. Some states limit the requirement to teachers, doctors, and others most likely to observe injuries, but in some states, like Utah, all adults are required to report suspected child abuse to the police or the state agency charged with protecting children. Those who report child abuse under these laws are usually protected from liability if they acted in good faith. When the person who tells you of ongoing abuse is an adult, there usually is not a reporting requirement. Information on how to help should be available from a local women's shelter or crisis hotline, listed in the white and yellow pages of the phone directory.
When the abuse took place in the past, here are some things you can do:
Listen. The person who is telling you about the past abuse has chosen you as a safe person to tell. As difficult as it is to hear about the victimization your friend endured, it is an honor to be chosen. Understand that the offended person may need to tell the story many times, and express sorrow many times, before she or he can move on to the next stage of healing. Remember that emotional pain can be worse than physical pain. If your friend's story grows worse with each telling, he or she is probably not embellishing-your friend may have remembered additional details or trust that you will not find further details so repulsive that you are unwilling to listen any more. Conversely, a few injured people first tell the worst story they can think of, to see if you will reject them, and later share the real story after you have passed a "test" of trust.
Encourage professional help. The injured person, even with support and love from friends, family, and religious leaders, probably will not heal without professional help. Of course it is beneficial if your friend can pray for healing and ask God to help. Often, however, one of the most terrible results of abuse by a father or other male authority figure is the injured person's confusion and difficulty in his or her relationship to God. In any case, a professional listener/helper may be able to help your friend learn how to heal and then to live with survival and healing. A religious leader, family doctor, local mental health clinic, counseling center, or nearby university program that trains counselors may be able to suggest two or three clinical psychologists, licensed clinical social workers, or marriage and family therapists who have been reliable helpers for people injured by abuse. The injured person can then make an appointment and, if the first professional doesn't seem like a good "match," can make other appointments until she or he finds someone who seems like a good helper and listener.
First, however, there are people who are still suffering abuse-including children who may tell you or show signs that they are being abused. These people need immediate help. All states have mandatory reporting requirements for adults who suspect child abuse. Some states limit the requirement to teachers, doctors, and others most likely to observe injuries, but in some states, like Utah, all adults are required to report suspected child abuse to the police or the state agency charged with protecting children. Those who report child abuse under these laws are usually protected from liability if they acted in good faith. When the person who tells you of ongoing abuse is an adult, there usually is not a reporting requirement. Information on how to help should be available from a local women's shelter or crisis hotline, listed in the white and yellow pages of the phone directory.
When the abuse took place in the past, here are some things you can do:
Listen. The person who is telling you about the past abuse has chosen you as a safe person to tell. As difficult as it is to hear about the victimization your friend endured, it is an honor to be chosen. Understand that the offended person may need to tell the story many times, and express sorrow many times, before she or he can move on to the next stage of healing. Remember that emotional pain can be worse than physical pain. If your friend's story grows worse with each telling, he or she is probably not embellishing-your friend may have remembered additional details or trust that you will not find further details so repulsive that you are unwilling to listen any more. Conversely, a few injured people first tell the worst story they can think of, to see if you will reject them, and later share the real story after you have passed a "test" of trust.
Encourage professional help. The injured person, even with support and love from friends, family, and religious leaders, probably will not heal without professional help. Of course it is beneficial if your friend can pray for healing and ask God to help. Often, however, one of the most terrible results of abuse by a father or other male authority figure is the injured person's confusion and difficulty in his or her relationship to God. In any case, a professional listener/helper may be able to help your friend learn how to heal and then to live with survival and healing. A religious leader, family doctor, local mental health clinic, counseling center, or nearby university program that trains counselors may be able to suggest two or three clinical psychologists, licensed clinical social workers, or marriage and family therapists who have been reliable helpers for people injured by abuse. The injured person can then make an appointment and, if the first professional doesn't seem like a good "match," can make other appointments until she or he finds someone who seems like a good helper and listener.
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